Skeletons & Dirty Secrets

YAYAYAYAYAY!



Jade got me RAINBOW past knee high socks and these fingerless black gloves. RAWR> One of Cary's was Thick Skeleton socks.

*is wearing now*

Oh le lush.

So I went to bed at 10 figuring that the sooner I go to sleep the earlier I wake up. I saw 12.00 roll around, woke at 2, then continously {sp???} until 5 when I had cereal and watched TV with mum.

Then she kicked me out to go to sleep and I came on here and Finally Uploaded the pics on Myspace.

I hear people moving around.... :D



Merry Christmas!!!!

I'm hurting. :(

slight binge?
it's been really hard lately. my head is determined to take me places i dont want to go.
i had normal lunch, and we had this fruit cake.
Really gorgeous.
i had a slice with icecream.
thats it.
so by my standars not a full on, binge. nothing like it.
But it wasn't on my structured eating list that my book says i should have, so i feel guilty...
really full. i'm not planning on eating anymore right now, so it's not like i feel out of control. i just feel a bit blargh.

it's been 4 and a half weeks since i purged last. It seems ages. :) wednesday is my weighing day, last weeek i was 9st 4. {i'd gone out mon, drunk alot and ate lots of choc inbetween shots, then never danced it off cos ended up in hospital with one of my friends drinking too much, then tue i ate a huge meal and went straight to bed at like 8} so it wasn't pure fat or anything to get rid of but it bummed me out.
Anyways i weighed this morn and i'm back to 9st.
I'll try and not let today get me down.
i've still come along way.
the thig that bugs me was that i knew it wasn't onmy planned eating chart and i stil got the plate out the cupboard.

Mum told Craig I'm gay. Hello? Did it not occur to you I would want to tell my brother myself???





'You made it sound as if it wasn't a big thing'





Hello??!! Mum! I fancy girls! GRR> I got so angry in the week. I couldn't believe it. It's what made me realize she's a Trigger. I was lying in bed, thoughts going round and round, falling into a trap and mood I remembered.


Would it be so hard, if not getting support, for her to simply recognize this fact of my life? Does she think I would of brought it up otherwise?


She's great for the normal parenting stuff. I'm polite, can speak my mind and I'm not scared of trying new things. I got GCSE's, A Levels, I'm in College/Uni, and can Drive.


But when it comes to the... difficult? The different? issues.


Lets blank it and maybe it will go away.








Maybe I should just be glad we laugh together. Every mother and daughter are going to argue, I need to control my emotions more. I cry way to easily and get angry far too quickly.


But would it Kill to get a Little understanding? God, even as i write this i'm getting irratable. We laugh as long as we're not talking about anything 'dangerous' or outside the box. Now being the ecclectic little family we are we have a pretty large box.


But I guess Eating Disorders and Gay Daughters would be hard for anyone to accept... but it's not anyone is it, it's my Mum.


I'm dealing with it, why can't she?

So, my sister is fine with me being gay, as i kinda figured she would.


- I knew you were! and has apparenlty been asking... oh me lord, can't even rem her- oh! Leggy, {her fiancee} if he thinks I am. lol. She's been really cool actually, I'm lucky. :D She said she thought I was gay ever since I was asking her lesbinim friend questions in Ponty festival when I was little. I asked how old I was and she said- .... 16? No... 14.


Me- 14?! ahahaha, seems a bit young even tho i've always kinda known. I was evn younger than 14, looking forward to college just so I could 'Experiment'. Lol. (:





So, went to Hush on tuesday with Andi to the LGBT fairy ball. I got to wear my wings again!!! ahahaha. And le huge eyemakeup. *grin* Was cool. Was Drunk by accident- Missed Tea, Vodka in Andi's first, then i ordered fruit juice and then had to have a shot, then there was the double instead of the single Just cos. Was nice drunk. And here i thought Vodka didn't effect me. O_o Oh le hangover. A tranny stripped two dude's and there were games High on the scary level.


Good times. :P then being starved we ran, yes, RAN, ACROSS swansea for chips. We didn't even feel it! The POURING rain and we were just Shoom! Soaked. :D


Wednesday I was more comfortable than ever in my life. I still am, its wierd. My world is upright and stable. Andi made me feel normal, like especially, all the girls did. No-one freaked about my gayness. And andi didn't freak about my Me-ness. Carys and Jade acted like it wasn't some big thing and Beth was glad i'd made a decision and was happy.





I even fitted into my tiny corset, mwhahaha, with no starvation involved. Which made me realise I'm not fat. lol. I just flinched. Work to be done, but I'm really not. There was a girl there that had this immense stomach and mine is like that! Not a 6 pack mind you, but the bumps I stress about is muscle, not Fat that hates me. Tho I do have a jiggly layer {spesh now after my chinese}. Been out to much this week to exercise like normal. Ice skating!! {all of Jade's Videos have the girls in front and me , a pink girl just going round and around in the background, determined to re-learn how} and a meal in Yates. Pizza in Jades when we watched 'Walk the Line' and I CRIED all my makeup off. It almost killed me. I was a broken little Kim shell. Fell asleep half ways during Ice age and thank god she let me sleep. Half 11/12 ish and it felt like 4. Was out cold.





Not that this week hasn't had its bumps, even now, as I'm full of chinese, I'm trying to talk myself out of this sure footed notion that I'll wake up so huge everyone will notice and mock my new fatness. Stoopid Stoopid paranoia.


I don't put stuff off nemore too... Ish. :P Well, mebe not as much anyhow. lol. I'm still Lazy. I need to pack my art for Assesment morro and I know I'll leave it for later.





My mother just thinks I like to shock people, and i'm not actually gay. I was in love with Angel from Buffy, therefore, now 3 yrs later, i'm obviously in denail of my straightness and have just forgotten about him.


Please, Hello?? Willow and Tara were way cuter. *le sob*


I miss Buffy. Twas awesome. Lucky I have the entire series on Boxset.


It helps. :P Will watch some now methinks. ''Doppleganger'' Episode.


Rawr.

You're awesome. {all 3 of you} Lol

Well I told my mother i was Gay. Her reaction?-





'I dont think you are'





Oh no mother?


Which pissed me off. Like you've been in my head the last 2 yrs?


She's hardly been knowledgable about the inner workings of my head.


Like Ever.


We didn't really talk about it so much as I blurted it out. and she's asks Why? I shouldn't of said 'I think' but even now it seems too certain. She thinks I dont know what I want. But then again, Do I ever? Prolly shoulda talked about it bit more but... she makes me feel awkward. She's not going to change my mind. I let people I care about influence me more than they should. Then again, sometimes I need the push.

Maybe I'm just slow.


This morning, my world was coming together. I was more comfortable in my skin than I have for ages, well, ever actually. With my eating being normalised for 2 whole weeks. Normal as in normal people eating, not controlled to unrealistic levels.


I was in a good place.





Than I saw my dad {more for Sam than anything} and just by being the inconsiderate Prick, that he is, has made me feel about an inch big and so angry i feel like a supressed ball. Didnt tell him, he'd likely act as though i'd had a new piercing -call me stupid for 5 minutes straight and say how it would I should be 'Natural'-


You shouldn't hate you're father, and I dont, but it's something close.





I shouldn't let someone I have so little respect for get under my skin so much. *breathes out* He is who he is.


Now here's to me being comfortable for who I am.

Well I'm 9st.
A weight I can't seem to get away from.

Really felt like binging earlier, {like 20 mins ago} but my friend is over. :)
Did think abut having a sml choc while she was in the bath but then thought, why?
I had a lovely hot chocolate insead.
Burned my tongue.

And i have jelly and grapes for my snack later. :)

Still no binges. Yay.

Tomorrow is weighing day.
I'm scared I'll see a number that will wreck everything I've worked for this last 2 weeks. :(
Havent binged all week. YAY. :)
Eaten healthy, filling foods.
I finally finished my book. at First I was excited by the 'eliminating dieting' part. But ARGH. the things it want me to eat. *panic. attack*
I can see how it works, really i can, you work on the lesser evils first, then work yourself up to eating almost normally.

the thought that you will have the world end if you eat a choc bar, the simple test. weigh one day, then weigh the next and see if you really did pile on that half a stone.

I'm excited and oh so petrified.

Really felt like binging today, but didn't. tho i feel i did rush my tea. {jacket potatoe, bean.s chees} Which is a bit of a pain because i was looking forward to that for ages. GRR.

Have been having crazy headaches. So today i didn't eat bread and Woo! nothing. gonna try a couple more days and see what happens.

wish me luck.

Buddy!!! Write something!

My book has told me something which really stuck and made sense.

I was ana before mia, an when i finally thoought of mia I could finally eat wheat i wanted and not put on any weight! It was brilliant, but he more i ate, the more wanted too so the more i had to throw up.
It said- 'The more you vomit, the more you will binge'.
Which is unbelievably true.

From last friday till Friday night, i didn't binge, and because i was eating 'normally' if really healthy, i actually lost weight. {i could feel it, and see it}. Friday i went out, and had loads of food after dancing, but i did bing a bit before i went out. Luckily i was in a mad rush and so didn't really have time.

Anyways, i was really worried yesterday that i would be going back to my old self but it was fine.

Going out was awful. Wore a skirt a shade to short and was paranoid for large parts. Tho sometimes when I was laughing etc it was really fun.

Will Post more baout the book later.
I doggy eared all the good pages.

I think I'm dieing.

UG. Stomoach feels nervous.sick/hungry ALL at same time. :(

I dont like it.

*sigh* The 200th stargate is on in quarter of an hour. Quite excited.
O'neil is my favourite. and he's back.

I dont know why, but I've been remembering an old friend alot recently.
We're both so different now, i feel like contacting her would, if not be a mistake, there would be something wrong with the whole thing?
She's in a good place in her life right now and i dont want to disturb it.
Saying that i did just comment her pic on myspace. AG.
Her bd is coming up end of Nov, what do i do?
This time last year she wrote off out friendship {I hurt her badly} and was my Trigger for my anorexia {the full on version anyways} I've been on the other side of some of what she must of gone through and *frowns* Badness.
Now it's a year later and we havent talked in ages.
I miss her, but i dont know if i miss her because of how close we were or just becuase the thought of her hurts.
And my twisted head seeks the validation pain brings.

Well, am in Uni, but my friend next to me knows about my ED so am not too paranoid.

My ED has hit new levels, I can't bring myself to eat foods with loads of calories.
But i could prob eat something 'bad' if i don't know.

I bought a book today with a diff freind on bullimia and Binge eating.
Hopefully it will help, or at least give me new perspective.

I can't sleep again, and my eyes are hurting from no sleep and thie brightness all colleg'uni rooms seem to be filled with.
My skin is shit and my lips hurt.
i actually pulled a back muscle with doing Hula Hooping last night.
It hurts. lol

Got so much work to do... I should prob get back.

{{ARGH i bought this bookm with another friend who didn't now, but prob does now, it was like self help. I asked her not to tell my super skinny friend I bought a book, should she ask, I deny and then she says'yes you did. etc. and hopefully that will be it.}}

thanks buddy.

I LOVE that song.

is the rest of the albim good enough to buy?

Courage Lyrics


I told another lie today
And I got through this day
No one saw through my games
I know the right words to say
Like "I don't feel well"
"I ate before I came"

Then someone tells me how good I look
and for a moment
For a moment I am happy
But when I'm alone
No one hears me cry

I need you to know
I'm up through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be okay
Together we can make it through another day

I don't know the first time I felt unbeautiful
The day I chose not to eat
What I do know is how I changed my life forever
I know I should know better
There are days when I'm okay
And for a moment
For a moment I find hope
But there are days when I'm not okay
And I need your help
So I'm letting go

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be okay
Together we can make it through another day

You should know you're not on your own
These secrets are walls that keep us alone
I don't know when but I know now
Together we'll make it through somehow
Together we'll make it through somehow

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be okay
Together we can make it through another day

I'm actually hungry...

Breakfast {i woke up really late} smal cereal.
lunch- chees and ham sandwich, yog and dried apricots
tea- toasted teacake with cheese and honey, and a low fat choc mouse.
then a yogurt.

Intermiddently varied with fruit.

its SO WIERD. the day i decide to eat to control my binges.
I get hungry.

These last couple of days i haven't binged.
Its surprisngly difficult.
Why would i want to eat until i'm uncomfortably full????

I haven restricted either.
I ate a chocolate, oat, flapjack thing.I'd gone to london and bought it on our last stop {no, i wasn't hungry}
Well i ate it on fri {having boought it wed}. 350 calories and 15g fat, thursday, i couldn't bring myself to eat it or throw it.

well, seeen as it was only the calories of 1 big and 1 little choc i ate it at break time.
And it was heaven,. it tasted the nicest ever i swear.
So this next week, i'm going to bump up my exercise {walk my dog more, i practically stopped} and not restrict myself at all.

I'm not going to binge.
For now, this is all i am focusing on.
Alone, but I know I can do it.

A quote from my book-

'It made me strong but left me flawed'

I love it.

Still in your corner Buddy. :D
Good Luck. xxxx

B/p last night.
WTF>
ARGH.
i dont even feel full anymore. i think i could eat a COW and be still in denial.
It's starting to get to me, it's aLL i think about.
*shuts eyes, breathes out*

Still felt like utter SHITE when woke up and hair had dried a freakish spiky thing, so i did that ALL morning and ate a little satsuma for breakfast on Park and Ride. {Remember it Starts good...}
was really hungry so had sweet chile ryvita crisps {lush} and a satsuma break.
Lunch time????
A Cheese and Onion Pasty
Bag of McVities choc covered digestives
Little chocolate. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Then for tea i had tuna with sweetpotatoes and ryvita with soft cheese.

God damn u lunch!
Why is it when i feel depressed i eat? It just bums me out more!!!! Evil cycle of SHIT!

an now???
Am pondering getting HobNobs biscuits with choc on them.
tho i think i have talked myself out of that.

I'm going insane here. I can't take much more.
Plau i feel all backwards cos all my friends have bf's or whatever. and i'm there. alone.

...


I could scream.





We had Louise today. Are my eyes Even More Screwed from the EXTREME whiteness of the Ally room or is this font stoopid?... *frown*





Watched Ghost yesterday. It practically Killed me. I was Sobbing. I quite enjoyed it. Not like I can't cry but was nice to have a reason. But it did set me off on a strange crying jag for bout... *shakes head* an unknown sense of time. Before i went to sleep. Was orgainisng while watching it so it wasn't like i was doing nothing.


I feel very wrong if i'm only watching tv and doing nothing else, like i should be exercising, writing, reading, planning, cleaning. Lol. in that< order. It seem such a waste of time to simply sit there, staring blankly.


So, back to Louise. WTF does she want exactly???? How much of it and where?? It's only the Carousel does everything really have to be That PERFECT????? Mum just got her book, it was right next to me yet it took seconds to grab it and leave. No wonder I get jumpy, go AWAY all ready.





I feel all blah. Big and hot. With a bit of dehydration thrown in. Something new is stressing me which i have forgotten about. I guess it's stoopid trying to remember something I've blanked but its got to be better than having a blurry haze in your memory. WTF is it...


Toast is haunting me, its in Uni. Had some breaktime cos could tell Carys wanted some but wouldn't {yeah, she really had to twist my arm} and then I found this chocolate thing, kinda like Nutella I had on a piece of bread.


Maybe I should just cut out bread. It's not like its good for you anyways, i mean what really does it do? Except make you feel grosse and bloated. Its just easy food.


Maybe will have fruit for breakie. I need a detox of some kind.





I don't want to wake up tomorrow.


I dont have the energy to do this again.

HAVE FOUND THE BEST PLACE!

http://www.thedailyplate.com

gO TEHRE. it is simply brilliant.
I cann't be more excited.

Branflakes and alpro light- 150ish?
tuna sandwich with lettuce, onion, a dressing, and spicy sauce
apple, 2 oranges.
6 dried apricots.

not too bad and its 4. 38.

Mother went shopping and bought me a present.

Bloody Bread! Granary wholemeal. It's amazing and Mushroom shaped but its my Binge item of choice...
Buttery toast with Honey and Banana. *sigh*

Its times like this i hate my ED imparticular.